Hi Mom, I said with a smile as I spoke to my mother on FaceTime. How are you doin? She’s not aware of the coronavirus situation in our world. The tug of emotions is real. “You gotta come get me out of here, I’m not doing good”, mom says to me. “I’m about to lose it in here”. Those words hit me in my gut. It’s not like I haven’t heard her before, but tonight it came across like a clarion call.
My first thought was, Monique, get your shit together! With my thoughts still guiding my emotions, I’m not sure If I should hang up from the call and immediately go get my mom the-hell-out of that assisted living community. I’m having a whirlwind of emotions. I’m having conversations with myself in my mind like, Monique, what have you been doing girl? Why don’t you have the income you need to take care of your mother in the way she would do for you – dignified? What have you done with the things you have invested in, to make sure that you have what you need? What’s taking you so long? On an on I’m questioning my adequacy tonight.
I feel like I’m not enough. I can tell you this not feeling of “I’m NOT enough” is not just associated to personal relationships, for me this recurring theme seems to be engrained – and I’m not having it anymore. I have got to get my shit together so I can do what is necessary in my personal and professional life. Getting my shit together, tonight, feels like life or death.
My telling myself to Get my shit together is the reason why I’m sharing this story; it is a recurring thought theme for me. I have said it far too often. Get your shit together should be the thought theme that quickens an internal stirring in me to execute. I’ve been on a caregiver hamster wheel for the last 28 months. I’m really just trying to figure it all out. It’s hard. But I’m growing in mind and character because of it. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. Dementia has changed my world, my perspective on life and how I’m going to live it now. There is no going back, so Monique, get your shit together! The world is waiting on you – shit, I’m waiting on myself.